As I Fall
by sylvanius
Summary: Post-Rotg AU where Numair never confessed his feelings to Daine. Months have gone by and Numair has become increasingly frustrated and angry with those around him and it's getting hard to handle anything, he doesn't know how much more he can take.one-shot


**Here's a new one shot. It's AU where they never got together in RotG (which is pretty much what all my AU's are) and takes place a number of months after the end of the war. In this scenario Numair isn't dealing with hiding his feelings well at all and is the stress is really getting to him. I know the way he acts is OC but I think that if he had been dealing with it for a long time when there wasn't war and he really had time to dwell on it it's fairly plausible that something like this may have happened. This one's a bit darker, not really fluffy...but D/N none the less...it's a bit different from what I usually do...but I do a bit of everything so I guess I can't really say that. **

**Disclaimer: Not Mine **

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Numair sighed exasperatedly as he stared down at the text in front of him. His entire body was tense and his neck was beginning to get sore. He had known it wouldn't be easy to hide his feelings from his young friend but over the last two weeks it had become unbearable.

The war had died down, the clean up was done, and delegation talks and reconstruction had commenced weeks ago. That being said, court had resumed its natural way of things and a season of celebration had begun. There had been an endless barrage of dinners and balls. He now realized that he had been lucky in a way to discover his feelings when he did. At least during a war there were no court functions, no standing in a ballroom making mindless chit chat with dignitaries as he tried not to stare at her as she danced with other men.

There had been a ball merely two nights before and she had danced with several men and many more had asked. She was a war hero after all, powerful, beautiful; he couldn't blame them for their attentions. She was different after the war too; he doubted anyone else would notice, but he could see it.

She had a confidence about her that she had always lacked before. He didn't know why it had happened; whether it was her victory over Ozorne, her meeting with the great gods, or finally being able to put her insecurities about her parentage behind but there was something more whole about her now. She still had her shy smile and easy friendliness, but there was a new confidence about her; she believed in herself now. It showed with her interactions with the young men pursuing her as well.

Before when she was approached she would be shy, often mistaken for coyness. She would never initiate anything back then but she seemed more forward now, more open to their attentions. He gritted his teeth as he remembered the young man whom she had danced with multiple times at the last ball, the same one she had disappeared into the gardens with and not returned. He had been watching them and it had been her who had pulled him out in to the balcony, not the other way around.

It was becoming unbearable for Numair. Over the past few weeks he had grown increasingly bitter and angry despite his attempts otherwise. He was angry at every boy who vied for her attention, he was angry at her for accepting it, and he was angry with himself for not speaking up and his inability to do so now. He was sitting with her in the royal library at the moment, staring straight ahead at the tome in front of him and not taking in a single word. He had mentioned to her briefly that he was researching some new spells and she had asked to join him saying that they hardly saw each other anymore. He didn't have the heart to tell her that that was because he had been avoiding her and had agreed to her request. Normally he would have explained everything he was reading to her and they would be lost in conversation for hours. The last few months had taken their toll however and Numair had only been able to bring himself to answer her questions with gruff responses, keeping his words to a minimum and unable to look into her eyes.

He felt her shift beside him, her arm brushing against his own, and stood up quickly, unable to bear her touch lest he lose control. He walked over to the bookcase and chose a text at random to hide his true reasons and walked back to the table, sitting down at the opposite side. A couple more moments passed as he pretended to read the book in his hands before Daine slammed her own book down on the table a swore violently. He looked up, shocked; such outbursts weren't like Daine at all.

"When are you going to tell me what's wrong?" She asked, looking at him beseechingly.

Looking into her eyes he almost broke down and told her everything but pulled himself back at the last moment, looking down. "There's nothing wrong Daine; I don't know what you mean." He moved to reopen his book but she reached across the table and pulled it from him, swearing again.

"Stop lying to me." He met her eyes again and swallowed at the pain he saw there.

"Stop ignoring me, stop treating me like you don't know me, just-" She paused, eyes shining. "Stop, and tell me what's wrong." She reached across the table putting a hand over his own and he faltered slightly, longing to grasp her hand in his own, but pulled his hand away anyway.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said, turning his voice cold; it was better that she didn't know.

"Yes you do! You never come see me any more, you leave rooms when I enter them, and then you barely talk to me when I do manage to get you to stay around me." She got up and walked around to his side of the table but he refused to look into her eyes. "You can't even look at me. Please, Numair." She put her hands on the sides of his face, forcing him to look at her. "Just tell me what I did. Tell me what's wrong." She was pleading now and his heart broke at the pain he was causing herAnother wave of anger washed over him and though it was directed at himself he lashed out, pushing her away and standing up quickly. "There's nothing wrong Daine; stop pushing things." There was silence for a few moments and she stood there in obvious hurt. "I have to go." He said quickly and swiftly fled the room, fists clenched.  
Numair strode down the hallways in a rage. He was inwardly raging at himself, disgusted at his own behavior. The entire point of not telling her his feelings had been to save their friendship and here he was destroying it anyway so that she wouldn't find out. He bumped into a page outside his door and practically snarled at him as the boy handed him a letter and scampered off, terrified. He stormed into his room, slamming the door behind him, and sat at his desk. He threw the letter down on his desk and leaned back. He should find her and make amends but he knew he was in no condition to do so now. He was still too angry at everybody and everything. He had liked to pretend that he had been fooling herself but he had known that had been a stupid wish. She knew him so well that she noticed even the slightest shifts in his moods; he had been a fool to think that she wouldn't notice his coldness. What else could he do though?

After the war he had come so close to slipping so many times, if he wasn't cold towards her he knew he would do something rash and then what? He stood up and walked over to the cabinet on the far wall. He pulled out a bottle of brandy and a glass and walked back over to his desk, pouring himself a glass. He took a sip before his eyes fell on the letter still sitting unopened.  
He put his glass down and picked up the letter. Recognizing the scrawl on the front he allowed himself a small smile. At least some news from home would cheer him up. He opened it quickly and began reading. It only took a matter of seconds before a cold chill overtook him and he dropped the letter onto the table suddenly finding it hard to breathe. He clutched the desk; knuckles white, and fought to breathe. He was actually having a panic attack; he couldn't remember ever having a panic attack. He didn't hear the knock on the door or hear Daine when she poked her head in and spoke.

"Numair? We need to t-" She broke off, seeing his state. "Numair?" She ran over, panic in her voice. "Are you alright?"

He opened his mouth to speak but only broke out into a gasping cough. He backed away from her, running hands through his hair, and shaking his head.

"Numair, _what's wrong_?" Daine implored and he looked at his desk where the offending parchment lay. She picked up the letter, eyes darting over it. He heard her gasp and began pacing the room.  
"Oh Numair, I'm so sorry, your mother-" She broke off looking at him and he finally looked up, meeting her gaze. She started towards him but he jumped back, unwilling to let her touch him.  
"I should have-" His voice caught and he choked, gasping again, before continuing. "The war's been over months, I should have visited. I should have been there. I failed, I should have been there." He was mumbling now and Daine stepped forward again but he continued to back away, moving around the sitting chair in the middle of his study so that they were on opposite sides of it.  
"Numair, this isn't your fault." Daine said imploringly.  
"Yes it is, I should have been there. I failed, I'm failing everything!" He screamed at her and she jumped, a hint of fear entering her eyes. She glanced away from her and her gaze fell upon the open bottle of brandy.  
"You're drunk." She stated and he strode over to the desk and clutched his glass, throwing it against the wall where it smashed violently.  
"I haven't even touched it, I-" He broke off, feeling his eyes sting, it was getting hard to breathe again. He gripped the desk again; he didn't want to break down. A moment of silence passed and he felt her walk up behind him though she made no move to touch him.

"Numair, please." She said, quietly and he stood up taking a shuddering breath. He felt his control slipping and for the first time in such a long time he didn't care. He needed her now, he needed her or he didn't know how he would get through turned around and hooked an arm around her waist pulling her with him and onto his lap as he collapsed onto the sitting chair. Settling he pulled her close and buried his face into her neck, breathing deeply. He nuzzled closer into her neck and pressed a lingering kiss against her pulse. He felt her stiffen and heard a soft 'oh' escape her lips before she relaxed against him and began stroking her fingers through his hair. He breathed deep; knowing he owed her an explanation. Pulling back he looked up at her.  
"Daine, I-" She shushed him, stroking his face.

"It's okay, I know." She said looking him in the eyes and he nodded feeling numb. "We don't have to talk about it now; we can just sit here a while longer." She whispered and he nodded again, putting his face back against her neck. She stroked his hair and he soon found that he had hot tears coursing down his face, soaking her sobbed as he leaned against her and she held him tight, whispering words of comfort into his ear. It was well over an hour before he calmed down and Daine pulled away. "You should get some sleep." She said quietly, her face wrought with concern. She moved to stand up but he pulled her back.  
"Don't leave." He whispered, begging, and she grasped his hand in her own.  
"I won't." He allowed her to lead him into his bedroom and she stripped him of his shirt and boots, coaxing him to lie down onto the bed. He did so, pulling her with him, and wrapped his arms around her sighing shakily. He still felt numb but at the same time he felt the release of all the tension that had built up in him over the past few months. All he needed was her and she was here of her own choice. There was still a nagging fear in the back of his mind and he opened his mouth to speak but she stopped him by brushing her lips softly across his own, so lightly that he barely felt it before it was gone.  
"I know, me too. In the morning okay? You need to sleep now." She whispered and he pulled her closer, snuggling against her warm embrace, and let sleep take him.

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** Review please! I'd like to know what you think...I've already experimented with post-RotG confidant Daine (who also appeared here because I think she's my new official post-RotG Daine) and now I'm playing with a post-RotG discouraged Numair.....this one to an extreme....**

**Also to those who read The Morning After I'm so sorry I didn't get it updated on Monday but I ran into midterms....and..as you know...real life trumps fanfiction sooo...yeah. I'm writing the next part now and either expect and extra long chapter or two chapters up soon to make up for it...I almost wrote the prequel (yeah, I'm going to do a prequel to it that shows the night before in the M section) and posted that to make up for it but....I think I'm going to wait to post that until after the story is done.**


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